January 27

I am starting this blog to make myself accountable to my creative process. Each day I'm going to make sure that I post something, either a direct response to some question/stimuli I've encountered, a piece of creative writing I'm working on, even just random notes. Today I decided that in order to unravel the crazy web of depression and inaction I've spun around for at least the last year, I'll have to start somewhere, anywhere. If I can do at least two things each day that NEED to be done, and then spend at least an hour daily engaged in a creative process, I think things could start to get better. So this site will be a way to hold myself accountable creatively.

Today I: 1) Got car insurance 2) Set doctor's appointment 3) Extended traffic violation

You will notice that I got three things accomplished that I've been stalling on forever. You don't know how big this is...haha...seriously...

Creatively, I've been inspired by this post: http://www.goddesslife.com/my-secrets-to-get-back-into-shape

The author talks a lot about femininity, and mothering/nurturing herself. Though the topic is sort of related to weight loss, that isn't what I took from it/cared about...rather,I am intrigued by the idea that caring for oneself/treating oneself in any way can be a gendered process. She talks about trying to treat herself like a drill sergeant would, and attributes this to being a masculine form of discipline. In many ways this is what I've been doing to myself: endless workouts, so little sleep, punishment, punishment, punishment, fear, repeat. I never thought about it, but perhaps I am trying to ignore/smother/kill every last bit of femininity in me? I have already taken out most of my body's curves, have managed to rearrange my body in ways that it probably is not naturally inclined to follow (at whatever cost). Am I becoming a masculine master of my own body? And what would happen if I allowed myself some self-mothering, self-nurturing, some milk, some fat, forgiveness? Are these really solely feminine traits? And why am I denying myself access to my feminine self when really, I find femininity, curves, sex appeal, so much more appealing in others than extreme thinness. masculine features, and extremism?

I like how the author concedes to finding joy in gaining weight and undoing herself for a bit, and doesn't feel guilt about this. As she says, it takes this same joy to get herself back in shape.

I want to commit to being kind to myself. Does this mean (re)embracing the feminine? Right now I'm working on a piece about memory storage in body parts, about rape/revival/numbness...maybe at its core it is about the defeminization that comes from rape, abuse, and the aftermath. I think I need to go back to my piece right now...